Hysteria Erupts at Leah Rose after Several “Student” Sightings

Nashville, TN – The community at Leah Rose Residence for Senior Citizens is up in arms after several of the residents have reported the presence of strange men dressed as college students luring them away from their apartments. 

The frenzy started last week when residents of the Leah Rose Senior Citizen Home filed complaints that strange young men were loitering near the 21st Avenue entrance to the Leah Rose campus. The first reports came to Leah Rose staff last Sunday but were not investigated due to insufficient evidence of a threat. Since then, similar reports have piled up, bringing anxiety and confusion to the already senile crowd at Leah Rose.

According to the residents, men disguised as college-aged students have been lingering around the senior citizens’ residences, sometimes employing verbal abuse and promising favors to bait the seniors away from the Leah Rose campus. Most of the reported strangers have been spotted during the waning hours of sunlight, walking back and forth between the bustling businesses that line 21st Avenue South. Despite various close calls, all Leah Rose citizens are accounted for and a Nashville Metropolitan Police officer has been permanently stationed on scene to help ease the nerves of these fragile residents.

Eugene Stevenson, a native to the Nashville area and six-year resident at Leah Rose, has suspended his evening walks for the past two weeks to avoid the threatening figures. When asked to comment on the situation, Mr. Stevenson was eager to share his discontent:

“At first they told me I was crazy, but after I pointed out the odd behavior of kids in the area, more and more residents recognized that something was wrong. These clowns don convincing student disguises but are obviously not students. The fundamentals are wrong; they don’t carry any textbooks or floppy disks, only laptops. Our community is scared nearly to death.”

Mr. Stevenson has started a volunteer watch group to bring peace of mind to the residents of Leah Rose. The 24/7 watch group (except for 5-7 pm on Saturdays for dinner and dominoes) is working closely with the stationed officer to report and address any “student” sightings on the Leah Rose campus. Officer Wilson, who is stationed at Leah Rose for the night shift from Monday to Thursday has been impressed with the cooperation of the self proclaimed “Geezer Guard”:

“These men and women have been extremely helpful in neutralizing potential threats for both the Leah Rose citizens and also the larger Nashville community. I have never seen a threat like this in my 25 years in the force, but the MNPD is taking initiative to stop it fast. With the help of groups like the Geezer Guard, we have made student hunting a very effective process.”

True to his word, Officer Wilson has already made three arrests in connection to the “studenting” threats. In one particular incident, a young man was gunned down after approaching Leah Rose resident Margaret Withersby and offering to help her cross the street away from the Leah Rose campus. Luckily, resident Humphrey Fulton was patrolling the area and quickly called Officer Wilson into action. After the threat was neutralized, Mrs. Withersby was rushed to the Vanderbilt Medical Center for treatment. She sustained a broken hip, having fainted from the traumatizing assault but is said to be in a condition that is as stable as possible for her age.

Nashville elders are advised to keep off of the streets during the night to avoid similar incidents until the studenting problem is put to rest. Although the reports in Nashville were the first of their kind, several other claims of harassment by students have recently popped up around the country, particularly in Florida and California. Officials are still not sure if this is a true national threat or just a sick prank, but the situation is being addressed with complete seriousness:

“The threat [of studenting] is real, but we will overcome it,” President Obama said in a Press Release last Tuesday. The president is set to detail a multimillion dollar action plan to address the problem more fully when more information is uncovered. For updates and breaking news continue to follow The Slant in the coming days.