Recent reports indicate that Chipotle chicken recently became contaminated with Zika virus. 8 Vanderbilt students were admitted into Vanderbilt University Medical Center on Sunday, October 2nd suffering from fever, red eyes, and joint pain. They were ultimately diagnosed with Zika after having all eaten chicken burrito bowls from Chipotle. Local authorities suspect that Zika-infected mosquitoes migrated all the way from South America due to their immense attraction to the smell of the Chipotle chicken. Upon investigation, it has been found that metal bins of Chipotle chicken are heated at the optimum temperature for mosquito breeding, leading to the formation of a mosquito colony in Nashville’s 21st Avenue Chipotle.
Chipotle CEO Steve Ells released an apology statement on Friday evening: “We tried our best. Honestly, I’m impressed we’ve made it 7 months without a serious disease outbreak. I’ll probably take a vacation to celebrate.” Chipotle shares have dropped 44% since the 2015 outbreaks of norovirus and E.coli, causing 43 stores to close in Oregon and Washington alone. Although Chipotle sales threaten to plunge after this event, a survey gathering public opinion suggests to Chipotle stakeholders that it will all be okay, with 76% of responders saying, “at least it’s not cancer.”
Zika poses serious harm for pregnant women in causing severe birth defects in unborn children. Unfortunately, all 8 students infected on Friday were pregnant with their Chipotle food babies, putting their infants at serious risk for microcephaly, a condition that causes the baby to be born with an abnormally small head and brain. Microcephaly can be fatal, especially among burrito bowl offspring. The United States federal government has declared this a Tex-Mex State of Emergency, and may delay the next presidential debate until the situation is under control. Now under strict government scrutiny, Ells reports that all Chipotle employees are required to wear hazmat suits “just in case of Ebola.”