It’s homecoming weekend. Alumni are back on campus, ready to relive their glory days, freshmen are waking up with the realization that they hooked up with an ugly 24 year old last night, and Vanderbilt Football is getting hyped up for a game we hopefully won’t lose. But what’s in store this weekend for you? The Slant consulted our horoscope guru to find out. (We still don’t care about Ophiuchus, NASA)
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You may receive a surprise gift in the coming week. Spoiler alert: it’s your period.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): A new authority figure will emerge in your life. Show them who’s boss by peeing in their yard or office to mark your territory.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): The Moon will move into your House of Wisdom this weekend. Harness that initiative and penchant for good choices by throwing a beer bottle at a cop car before the game on Saturday.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Commodore Quake? More like Commodore Break-your-arm-falling-off-an-elevated-surface. CVS Minute Clinic will be waiting for your call.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Venus entered your social sector this past Tuesday, so you may feel a magnetic pull towards giving your friend your Snapchat password and telling them to post stories at Quake, while you sit in bed with a burrito and Netflix. Embrace it.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): This week is a particularly frustrating week for you, Pisces. Interpersonal relationships may have more tension than usual, and if you have to fight someone, make sure you aim for the groin.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Venus enters your adventure sector this week! Expect and look for an opportunity to explore, like when that homeless guy asks you if you want to check out his place behind the SatCo dumpster. Let us know how his crib is.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): The stars align to enhance your creativity this weekend. Be innovative and mix some drugs that you normally separate!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Your sector of transformation and dynamic change comes into play this week, Gemini. The tailgates provide ample opportunity for personal growth, so throw away your mixed drink and become a professional beer shotgunner.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): There is potential for vomit in your future, Cancer. Boot and rally will be the name of the game this weekend.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): The pressure has built up this week, and you may feel like you’re walking on eggshells trying to avoid strong conflict. It’s because you actually are walking on eggshells. I can’t believe you just threw a dozen eggs on the ground to illustrate that expression, WHAT THE HELL TIM!?!
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You may feel spiritually cleansed after Big Sean’s performance on Friday night, but you won’t feel physically cleansed. You’ll be covered in dip spit, sweat, semen, and a little bit of Tabasco. Please shower.