The Slant Presents: Live Blog of the Final Debate

8:05 p.m. Audience is currently too dazzled by Hillary Clinton’s white, sinister pantsuit. 

8:10 p.m. Clinton claims to have lived in Arkansas for “18 Wonderful Years” – according to our sources, those years were “so-so at best.”

8:11 p.m. Clinton denies a lack of support for the second amendment, saying “I have friends who are guns.” 

8:12 p.m. Clinton claims to support one of key tools used in killing other human beings. 

8:13 p.m. Trump’s Google search reveals “what was the Heller decision?”

8:14 p.m. Clinton’s speech focuses mainly on small humans as opposed to large humans.

8:17 p.m. Clinton avoids saying the word “abortion” for the last thirty seconds in which she has been defending women’s right to abortion. 

8:19 p.m. Clinton chastises Trump for using “scare rhetoric” before Halloween

8:19 p.m. Trump suggests that “ripping babies out of the womb,” or C-sections, should be illegal.

8:19 p.m. Clinton doesn’t think the government should be making decisions for women; Bill should. 

8:20 p.m. The wall has been mentioned. Take a drink.

8:21 p.m. Trump’s example of 4 people being killed by illegal immigrants now used in all science classes for why anecdotes are not the same as data.

8:24 p.m. “There are some bad hombres out there.” – Donald Trump, both appealing and repelling the Hispanic vote through an expert use of Spanglish.

8:25 p.m. “We are a nation of immigrants, and we are a nation of laws.” – Hillary Clinton, describing the ways in which some laws have more rights than people. 

8:25 p.m. Trump should be speaking “very much better,” according to English professors. 

8:26 p.m. Stoners just now realize that “The Wall” is not the Pink Floyd album, but actually a wall. 

8:27 p.m. Trump accepts endorsement for “Bigly” Chew.

8:28 p.m. Trump thinks it’s unfair for people to come into the country just by crossing the border; instead, it should be required to marry him. 

8:29 p.m. Clinton begins quoting Reagan in order to throw people off as to who is the Democrat and who is the Republican. 

8:30 p.m. Moderator makes first attempt to control debate.

8:30 p.m. Clinton switched her pivot, but referee did not see the travel. 

8:31 p.m. Trump makes first reference to radical Islam to draw in the conservative vote. 

8:33 p.m. Clinton actually appears to emote for the first time. 

8:33 p.m. Moderator loses control of the debate only 3 minutes into first attempt at control. 

8:33 p.m. “Of course I condemn,” says Trump about pretty much every policy Clinton suggests. 

8:34 p.m. Putin: “Of course he’s not my best friend. I’m not mad, you are.” 

8:34 p.m. Entertainment Tonight leaps onto failing Trump/Putin friendship. We smell a feud! xoxo Gossip Girl. 

8:35 p.m. Clinton calls ability to declare nuclear war, “Awesome.”

8:35 p.m. Trump somehow connects military involvement with endorsement of his congressional medal of honor winners.

8:36 p.m. “You’re not going to find a quote from me.” – Donald Trump, revealing that a strange ghostly voice has been speaking through him this entire time. 

8:37 p.m. Moderator is currently contemplating the implications of walking out of the debate. 

8:39 p.m. Clinton changes “Trumped-up Trickle Down Economics” to “Trickle Down Economics on Steroids.” 

8:40 p.m. Trump chooses not to single out specific countries that the United States is defending by naming them specifically. 

8:42 p.m. Trump wrote “jobs” on a legal pack every day for a year to bring them back. 

8:42 p.m. Trump declares that the country as a whole is dying at 1% GDP per year. Like Princess Mononoke, he will take back the forest, except with more guns and fewer wolves.

8:45 p.m. Nameless moderator appears to have some control over the debate again. 

8:46 p.m. Trump claims that he should win easily. He has also found representatives from a new country, “Indian.” 

8:47 p.m. “You don’t get to 1.4 million friends without making a few enemies.” – Trump

8:47 p.m. When will Trump promise to put chocolate milk in the drinking fountains?

8:47 p.m. Clinton smiles unnervingly as Trump prides himself on a single correct fact in the entire debates. 

8:48 p.m. Our sources find that illegal dumping is done over text message. 

8:50 p.m. The X-Files will be investigating the myths surrounding the State Department.

8:50 p.m. Clinton brings up small humans again. 

8:52 p.m. Trump reuses “debunked” in reference to testimonies regarding accusations of sexual assault. 

8:53 p.m. Trump did not apologize to his wife because he did not do anything, and blames Clinton’s campaign for unrest at protest.

8:54 p.m. Clinton’s internal monologue: “HOLD ME BACK. HOLD ME BACK, BILL.” 

8:54 p.m. Trump: “10 minutes of fame < 20 minutes of action.”

8:56 p.m. “Nobody has more respect for women than me.” Trump reuses “debunked” again.

8:56 p.m. Does anyone have more respect for women than Trump? Nation cautiously raises its hand.  

8:57 p.m. Trump pivots to emails, again. Amazing. 

8:57 p.m. Nation launches frenzied search for the FBI.

8:59 p.m. Trump recycles violence accusation against Hillary for rallies. 

9:01 p.m. Millionaire Donald Trump appears to accuse electoral system as being “pay to play.”

9:02 p.m. Haiti claims that it was actually bigger than Trump says. 

9:02 p.m. Trump uses visit to Little Haiti as play for solidarity.  

9:04 p.m. Trump accused of irresponsible spending of $12 million on raising a single American flag. 

9:05 p.m. It only took one hour and five minutes for Clinton to bring up Trump’s tax records. 

9:05 p.m. Trump’s taxes won’t be accepted because there are no receipts. 

9:05 p.m. If Trump doesn’t release tax returns soon, FAFSA will not release his financial aid package.

9:05 p.m. It only took one hour and five minutes for Clinton to bring up Trump’s tax records. 

9:05 p.m. Trump’s tax returns not accepted because he cut the tags off and the armpits smelled like sweat and spray tan. 

9:07 p.m. Trump wonders if voters will see though the media that “poisons their minds.” FDA claims that there is no actual poisoning from media, just lead contaminated water in Flint. 

9:08 p.m. Trump claims to support people’s rights except their right to vote. 

9:08 p.m. Moderator says that Trump will be the loser. 

9:08 p.m. Trump on election rigging – “But wait, there’s more!”

9:09 p.m. Trump is still upset about the Emmy he lost. 

9:10 p.m. English Professors of America release statement saying that the number of run-on sentences in debate is “far too high, even offensive.” They will not disclose which candidate has been more guilty of this. 

9:12 p.m. Sephora pushes new brand of color correctors and contouring kit called “The Donald: A Blaze of Glory.”

9:14 p.m. Trump still wondering what happened to the element of surprise. 

9:14 p.m. Trump sad that Iran hasn’t written the United States a handwritten thank you note. 

9:18 p.m. Clinton recommends exciting new cat video on YouTube. 

9:18 p.m. Bernie Sanders curious as to why he’s being dragged into this debate, again. 

9:19 p.m. Moderator has final point of revenge by fact-checking Trump on Aleppo statements. 

9:19 p.m. “I can see Aleppo from my house.” – Donald Trump 

9:19 p.m. Trump says Aleppo has fallen and pulls up photographic evidence, but it’s just a photo of the LaGuardia airport. 

9:20 p.m. Fox considers using spray water bottle to keep candidates on track. 

9:21 p.m. Debate becomes more entertaining if Trump says “na-na na-na boo-boo” after every sentence.

9:22 p.m. Trump wants a no fly zone so he doesn’t have to risk getting caught in his zipper. 

9:23 p.m. Hillary Clinton hoping dislocated refugees can just be popped back into place. 

9:23 p.m. Clinton makes third reference to small humans. 

9:24 p.m. Clinton’s grandchildren upset that she hasn’t talked about them yet; Clinton campaign team preparing presents for November 8. 

9:26 p.m. Trump claims to create tremendous automaton to create jobs. 

9:27 p.m. Trump has infinite levels of hat hair. 

9:27 p.m. Trump declares something that philosophers have always known: capitalism is a machine. 

9:28 p.m. Will the economic machine pass the Turing test, or follow Asimov’s laws?

9:29 p.m. Trump says the word ‘Reagan’; every Republican watching immediately gets a boner. 

9:30 p.m. “Can I respond to this?” “No, we don’t have time.” Trump responds anyway. 

9:31 p.m. Hillary Clinton promises to Venmo the United States government. 

9:31 p.m. Trump creates new time travel device to journey back to Year 17. 

9:32 p.m. Trump calls Clinton and the entire U.S. tax system “such a nasty woman” for trying to get him to pay taxes. 

9:33 p.m. Trump makes mental note to Google what “solvency” is later. 

9:33 p.m. Moderator just wants to end the debate on a positive note for once in his entire life before he shuffles off this mortal coil.

9:34 p.m. Clinton promises to get “lunch, coffee, a meal, or whatever” with all Americans before November 8. 

9:34 p.m. Clinton: “I am reaching out to all Americans, Hispanics, Whites, Gays, Children, even your crazy uncle Jim who smells like old cheese and eats raw chicken, because that’s where we’re at right now.”

9:34 p.m. Clinton gets dangerously close to saying “Make America Great Again.”

9:35 p.m. Clinton brings up small humans for a fourth time. Also, families. 

9:35 p.m. Hillary saw the White House up close, but Monica Lewinsky saw it even closer. 

9:36 p.m. Trump utilizes brand new motto during closing statements of debate, “Make America Great Again.”

9:36 p.m. Trump claims he will make America strong again, pulls a bottle of HGH pills out of his pocket and winks. 

9:37 p.m. Moderator: “Please, for the love of all that is holy and good in this world, get off your ass and vote – we don’t deserve this.” 

9:39 p.m. Chris Wallace shuffles off to get drunk alone in his dressing room.