Paid for by IBM.
In a press conference on Monday, Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos announced that select students from financially disadvantaged families will receive state-of-the-art typewriters designed by IBM under a new scholarship sponsored by IBM.
According to Trevor Johnson, an IBM executive and member of the Vanderbilt Board of Directors, the “Typewriter for Tight Budgets” Scholarship began after Johnson witnessed students attempt to write papers on the Commons computers. “It was heart-wrenching watching students use those dated Macintoshes; I would cry on the inside each time I saw them. How could they do anything on those old piles of garbage?” said Johnson. “And that’s when I realized that we at IBM could really make a difference in these students’ lives by giving them the gift of technology. Sure, we couldn’t give them new laptops since the charitable tax deduction wouldn’t offset the manufacturing costs, but we had a warehouse full of near-mint-condition typewriters in Jakarta that would do the job just fine.”
With Typewriters for Tight Budgets, all students on financial aid will receive new IBM Wheelwriter typewriters, which have been and remain the industry standard for typewriters as of their inception in 1984. Featuring a daisy wheel and high-tech electronic memory, this typewriter is perfectly suited for the busy college lifestyle, outperforming Macbook Pros and Dell Laptops amongst college-educated individuals aged 69-90.
All students on financial aid selected for the scholarship who already own laptops will have their computers confiscated and broken down for parts at the nearest computer recycling center to pay shipping, handling, and bribing fees.
While most IBM Wheelwriter typewriters are expected to arrive by mid-November, those who have received IBM Wheelwriter typewriters have been raving about the results. Said one student, “I honestly didn’t know what to expect when I was told that Vandy was gonna impound my Macbook and give me a typewriter, but I got used to the experience surprisingly quickly. Sure, I don’t have access to the internet anymore and had to buy a wagon to move it between lectures, but it generally does what it’s supposed to do.” Due to high demand from scholarship recipients, IBM has also graciously excavated and repurposed hundreds of used classic red wagons from recycling centers across Tennessee and Indonesia.
Others have been raving about the vintage charm of the IBM Wheelwriter typewriters. Said another student, “It’s so retro! I’m honestly amazed that no one else uses typewriters anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve only used my roommate’s Wheelwriter a couple times and would never give up my laptop, but it’s like having an old teacup set or chamber pot from the 1700s. I can’t tell why my roommate would ever complain.”
In response to the presumed success of the program, other companies have decided to generously donate their own vintage technology to those struggling to pay for college supplies. Financially disadvantaged STEM students will be receiving abacuses from calculator manufacturer Texas Instruments, Inc., while Microsoft has generously donated thousands of Zune mp3 players to the Blair School of Music.
Indeed, the corporation IBM has really used its global powers to generate some good for the needy. “Every time I see a student dragging a wagon or a suitcase with a Wheelwriter in it, I get a tear in my eye thinking about how much IBM has done,” said Johnson, wiping his face with a handkerchief, “I can remember like it was yesterday how we almost dumped these typewriters in the South China Sea, so we saved the environment too if you think about it.”
For financially advantaged students interested in buying typewriters, please send a carrier pigeon with a traveller’s check to the IBM Storage Center, located in the heart of downtown Jakarta.