Religious Bernie Sanders is kicking ass in the game of thrones. He has both passed go and discarded $200 because money would distract him from the gods and beating up gay people. Despite having a hairline receding faster than American rationality, he managed to outplay two major families. The young boy is swayed to Bernie’s side, really believing the old man’s soothing voice. And the sassy eyebrows. And the moldy bag of rice with a massive V-neck that passes his nipples. Damn that’s sexy. Tommen, who is the modern equivalent of that kid who wears all Nike, kinda does sports, and drinks red Gatorade that stains his lips, is swayed to the dark side. But then again, calling the Tyrells and the Lannisters “the light side” would be a bit of a stretch. So I guess he goes to the other grey side. Doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Margery, the ultimate manipulator, really changed the game. She has become one with the faith, despite hating it for so long. Hell, they threw her in a cell with a lady who read her a picture book and beat her up simultaneously. How is she supposed to see the pictures when she keeps on getting punched in the face? That’s just wrong. No wonder she converted. Something sneaky is going on in the background. It better be good, because Cersei really really wants to flay, murder, torture, behead, and fling heads willy-nilly. Ah, the tender sweetness of motherhood. Really gets ya right in the feelings.
We get another Tony-deserving play experience over in the land of the face snatchers. What hearty, family-fun amusement. I chuckled. Its good to have a nice knee-slapping good time in a world full of people who suck a lot. After that monologue, I got off my bed, put on pants (keeping this scenario PG for the kids and future employers who will inevitably find this shit), and gave that play the supple applause it deserved.
After episodes upon episode of training for just one face steal, Arya gets cold feet … because someone is nice. That’s super lame. All that “a girl doesn’t have a name” was a huge waste of time. But, now she gets to fight the person who has been beating the shit out of her all season. And Arya’s going to stab her. Yay!
Why is Sam relevant? Sword. That is all.
Finally, after years and decades of asking the question, “Where is Uncle Benjen,” we found him. Turns out, he was riding horses, killing zombies, taking orders from ravens, and being irrelevant. Welcome to relevance, my friend. Through Bran’s powers, we get to see brief flashes of huge plot points that hint the confirmation of a widespread fan theory, L+R = J. For the uninformed, this scary looking math equation has been proliferated for years now. This would be a huge twist, except for… twists are supposed to be surprising. It’d be like watching a llama sitting on train-tracks and knowing for a month that a train was coming. Finally, after weeks of waiting, the train comes and the llama is obliterated into little llama chunks. After almost a decade, we are about to get our Llama Chunks ®. I won’t be surprised, but I can’t wait.