Hold the door. Holdor. Hodor.
Today we learned the origin of the big friendly funny giant’s name. Bran’s time traveling adventures set off a complicated looping time paradox that sent a message through time showing Hodor both his fate and his mission: to save Bran in a selfless act. Hodor’s beginning and his end aligned in beautiful synchronicity as he sacrificed himself to the zombie horde. What a wonderful moment. Until you think about it. Then you realize it has more holes than Hodor does by the end of the episode.
First, what if the phrase yelled was different? PUSH THE CEDAR! PUSH CEDAR! PUH CED! PUCEE! Pussy? He’d be the dude who said ‘pussy’ all the time.
NED- “We always knew that Pussy would be loyal to House Stark. Pussy will forever have our gratitude.”
PUSSY – “Pussy!”
Second, hold up. How the hell did the zombies get into the treehouse in the first place? Oh that’s right, the Three-Eyed Raven forgot to mention that if Bran touched the tree in an attempt to see loving childhood memories and family members, he could instead be transported to the Night King who could then find and kill them all. That would have been REALLY nice to know.
Its like you went out with someone and everything is going great. You’d think, hey I could see myself spending more time with this person. This is enjoyable. But, what you didn’t know is if you talked to them after 10 PM, they would turn into an ice zombie and kill you, your family and friends, and your gerbil. RIP Mr. Nibblepants. Ya gotta know this stuff.
Finally, Hodor used to be NORMAL. He was a healthy young chap living life normally. And the only reason he defended the door was because Bran used his powers to force him to. Hodor was so traumatized by experiencing his own death, that his mind broke. The Three-Eyed Raven has been waiting for this moment for thousands of years and really screws the pooch. A regular old two-eyed raven could have done a better job. Hodor got screwed harder than McFeely’s square-cut, zinc-coated, high quality… well… screws. And McFeely sells some big ass screws. Look at that monster.
Let’s play a game. Who is the asshole in this episode?
A. Bran
B. Hodor
C. Three-Eyed Raven
D. Tree-person
The answer:
Who’s the Asshole?
For the kids at home wondering: did he use a pie graph because it resembles a really big asshole? Why yes. Yes I did.
As for the rest of the episode…
There were a couple of major power plays where men who have lost their “family jewels” got the short end of the stick. Varys threw some serious shade at the fire priest. She responded the only way you can: laying down extensive details about his traumatic childhood ‘avocado heist’. The fire witch told him that when his manhood was hurled into the flames, a voice spoke. What did it say? My bet is on “I know you are new to the whole Jewish thing, but this is definitely not how circumcision works”.
A new development sets the stage to allow Daenarys to lead her dope army into Westeros leading to some absolute fire battles in the future.
In the gripping elections of the Ironborn, Euron comes out of the woodworks and claims he can seduce Daenarys with the lumber of a thousand ships. If that’s a euphemism, damn. In a debate very similar to those of this election cycle, Theon tried to talk about the issues and Euron talked about Theon’s lack of ‘hairy space hoppers’, hurting Theon’s McFeely’s. #MakeGreyjoysGreatAgain.
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