Love is in the air. You can smell it, reeking of pig liver or whatever the hell that Tormund was nibbling sensually at Lady Brienne. Welcome to Dating 101, the Game of Thrones edition. We’ll start our lovely journey at Castle Black. Say you observe a seven-foot tall blonde with killing abilities beyond the vast majority of men. You want to approach her but don’t know how to. How do you let her know you are interested? How do you make the first move?
First, be about the same height, mainly for logistical reasons at later levels of the dating process. Equal levels of killing power is also preferable. Women tend to not like settling for men who have killed less people as a general rule.
Kills vs Height Ratio
This is a chart. It adds absolutely nothing to the argument and honestly, doesn’t make too much sense. What does the line mean? I have no idea. But it looks sciency, so people will believe it.
Next, take a 6-8 inch piece of internal organ of your favorite marsupial or turtle species (either is acceptable, but he used marsupial liver on the show). Grip the organ tightly, like a father would grip a baby, showing the woman you would make an excellent father figure. But most importantly, make sure you make firm and aggressive eye contact, keeping your eyes as wide as possible. Confidence. Is. Key.
In our next scenario, you are a fifty-five year old male without money and a terminal disease that may or may not be contagious to the touch. You want to “ride the dragon” so to speak. For the kids at home, this means sexual activity. In this case, “riding” refers to the sex, and the “dragon” in this case is a power-hungry teenage queen who gave birth to dragons. Come on, dude. There is just so much wrong with this. I’m done with dating advice. Pro tip to all guys out there: if you are trying to hook up with a girl and she says she has given birth to three reptiles of any variety, that is an immediate red flag. Even if you are a reptile, three children before the age of 18 should be avoided.
The Khals learned a valuable lesson about fire-escapes this episode. Let’s just say, Daenarys roasted them. Somehow Daenerys gets her paws on yet another army AND manages to burn off all her clothes in the process. Two of her favorite past-times. It was insanely cool how she emerges unscathed from the fire and the Dothraki horde bows to her will. However, it had one major error. Not a single head, male or female, stayed up. Even lame suga daddy put his head down eventually. This would never happen. Yeah, dragons and magic and ice zombies are pretty far fetched, but this TOO DAMN FAR. There were FIRE BOOBS. No human could possibly look away. That’s just not realistic.
Ramsay has fully embraced his evilness this episode. We knew the guy was bad when he went CIA Guantanamo Bay on Theon, and he continued his kill streak this season. He might not skin people and eat them YET, but I wouldn’t put it past him. Thankfully, he’s establishing a nice little coalition of enemies including one and a half Starks and the delightfully devilish Littlefinger. If a literal animal weasel put on a human costume and grew out a little goatee, it would be identical to Lord Baelish.
Battles will ensue. THERE WILL BE BLOOD. The High Sparrow, AKA religious Bernie Sanders, totally manipulated the king into getting his mother and the Tyrells into mobilizing. Daenerys has a new army. In other news, red gooey syrup has sold out in locations all across the globe due to insane demand. Coincidence? I think not.